Recently someone that I care for told me to always do better, and that if I don’t, I don’t have ambition. I don’t think they realized just how much their words stung, especially since everyone I ever cared for left me.
I couldn’t help but hear that they too weren’t necessarily looking for someone better than me, but if that person came along, then they wouldn’t hesitate to leave, even hoping that I’d understand since I could, or should, clearly see how much better they are than me. Now, they did add, that this person would have to be a significant amount better than me, but how do you take that in? I’m sure they were talking out of their ass, but how are you to deal with someone you care for, another person you’ve let in after being burned so many times, look you in the face, and say people should do better than what they have.
What really stuck a thorn in my paw was that this person couldn’t see just how happy I was with them, even if they thought I could do better than them. I didn’t want to do better, I think I did pretty well already. They didn’t see how amazing I see them, how sweet they are, and how much my pulse goes up when they wraps their arms around me. Or how they didn’t see how I can’t look them in the eyes because they make me smile uncontrollably or how I just can’t get enough of them altogether.
I’m really awful at expressing anger, and really it’s because I think it’s unnecessary, not to mention unfair to the person that I should upset. I try so hard to be understanding and avoid discomfort that people don’t see when they have caused me pain instead. I don’t want something I say to cause an argument or make that person leave, like so many have done to me in the past. I guess it’s a fear now.
My best friend left me in my times of need, and eventually stopped talking to me out of the blue, with no reason, no explaination, when we were just fine.
The guy I was going to marry to came home one day and told me he was leaving, with no reason at all. No matter how perfect I tried to be, and no matter how much he acknowledged how wonderful I was, that didn’t stop him from leaving me, just because he felt like it.
Another good friend of mine moved away, started a family and never told me, even though we talked all the time, and when I asked if he had anything new going on, after I found out about his family, he told me that nothing had changed.
I don’t understand why people keep leaving, but at this point I try to avoid people all together. To shut them out and keep them a away from getting too close to me. And that’s wrong.
I was advised that you shouldn’t be afraid to tell people you care about what’s bothering you. And if they leave, then that’s their fault. At this point in time, I’ve grown to enjoy being alone, it’s easier that way. But that’s not life. Sometimes, I want to be held so close, to have all the air hugged out of me, but I’m too afraid to ask for it. I’ve become this emotionless human due to the fear of being left. I’d rather no have emotions then get hurt.
With time, I realized that the way this person said it was not with the intent to leave. I realized that I held this in for so long that it was my own problem that I carried over onto someone else. I felt like when they said it, I snagged my jacket of problems on a corner and I couldn’t help but feel the anger come over me.
I just want someone to want me as much as I want them. I wanted someone to finally think I was the better part they’d been looking for all along. Because I feel as though everyone else left me, for something better. And I know, I’m just fine the way I am.
Moose for Thought 