Do better

Recently someone that I care for told me to always do better, and that if I don’t, I don’t have ambition. I don’t think they realized just how much their words stung, especially since everyone I ever cared for left me. 

I couldn’t help but hear that they too weren’t necessarily looking for someone better than me, but if that person came along, then they wouldn’t hesitate to leave, even hoping that I’d understand since I could, or should, clearly see how much better they are than me. Now, they did add, that this person would have to be a significant amount better than me, but how do you take that in? I’m sure they were talking out of their ass, but how are you to deal with someone you care for, another person you’ve let in after being burned so many times, look you in the face, and say people should do better than what they have. 

What really stuck a thorn in my paw was that this person couldn’t see just how happy I was with them, even if they thought I could do better than them. I didn’t want to do better, I think I did pretty well already. They didn’t see how amazing I see them, how sweet they are, and how much my pulse goes up when they wraps their arms around me. Or how they didn’t see how I can’t look them in the eyes because they make me smile uncontrollably or how I just can’t get enough of them altogether.

I’m really awful at expressing anger, and really it’s because I think it’s unnecessary, not to mention unfair to the person that I should upset. I try so hard to be understanding and avoid discomfort that people don’t see when they have caused me pain instead. I don’t want something I say to cause an argument or make that person leave, like so many have done to me in the past. I guess it’s a fear now. 

My best friend left me in my times of need, and eventually stopped talking to me out of the blue, with no reason, no explaination, when we were just fine. 

The guy I was going to marry to came home one day and told me he was leaving, with no reason at all. No matter how perfect I tried to be, and no matter how much he acknowledged how wonderful I was, that didn’t stop him from leaving me, just because he felt like it. 

Another good friend of mine moved away, started a family and never told me, even though we talked all the time, and when I asked if he had anything new going on, after I found out about his family, he told me that nothing had changed. 

I don’t understand why people keep leaving, but at this point I try to avoid people all together. To shut them out and keep them a away from getting too close to me. And that’s wrong.

I was advised that you shouldn’t be afraid to tell people you care about what’s bothering you. And if they leave, then that’s their fault. At this point in time, I’ve grown to enjoy being alone, it’s easier that way. But that’s not life. Sometimes, I want to be held so close, to have all the air hugged out of me, but I’m too afraid to ask for it. I’ve become this emotionless human due to the fear of being left. I’d rather no have emotions then get hurt. 

With time, I realized that the way this person said it was not with the intent to leave. I realized that I held this in for so long that it was my own problem that I carried over onto someone else. I felt like when they said it, I snagged my jacket of problems on a corner and I couldn’t help but feel the anger come over me. 

I just want someone to want me as much as I want them. I wanted someone to finally think I was the better part they’d been looking for all along. Because I feel as though everyone else left me, for something better. And I know, I’m just fine the way I am. 

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Self love

Ive been meaning to sit down and write this for some time, but I could never find the right way to word it.

People should really learn to love themselves. We are all amazing in our own away and she should never belittle anything about ourselves because those are precisely the things that make us so wonderful! 

People are always so worried about the appearance, judging whether someone is fat or not, hot or not, worthy or not. It really is a shame to me. 

Just recently I went to the beach with a few of my friends and before undressing they had to excuse themselves for “not going to the gym lately”. That really broke my heart. As your friend, I don’t care about your looks, I care about the kind of person you carry yourself out to be. 

I, too, suffer from this ridiculous syndrome. I never thought I was pretty enough. And by the way things went, I never was asked to prom, or even really asked out. I was even told that I must have “Ugly Duckling Syndrome”, that I must of been an ugly kid who bloosemed into a beautiful person and never noticed it. 

People, learn to love yourself and then others will love you too, for who you are. I have been fortunate enough to have found a man who looked at this ugly ducking and only saw a swan the entire time, outer beauty as a perk.

If you’re one of those people who feels like you’re not really worthy on some level then I think that’s ok for now. You can sit an wallow for a bit, but just don’t stew in your sorrow. Things are great, you just have to see that, and you can only see that when you’re ready to on your own. Just don’t sit around too long to realize you’re amazing.

It won’t last foreverĀ 

Somestimes, when we love something so much, it actually physically and mentally takes a toll of us when we see it suffer. It’s amazing to me the way this works, more so amazing that it just happens. Like a mother and her child, staying awake all night if her newborn is in sick. I finally understand this.

It’s a beautiful thing people do to feel for another. Not just understand, but actually putting yourself into their shoes. It’s moments like this when you just want to wrap them up in a blanket, sweep them away, and just make everything bad go away. I like to think they notice when they are in a depressive state and you do everything to make them smile, even if unsuccessful. I truly think they feel the warmth. However, they too must understand that we are just as human, and sometimes, in my case, we don’t know what to do to fix your troubles, but boy does it trouble us too. 

If you’re reading this and you find yourself thinking of that special person in your life, doesn’t have to be a partner necessarily, then just know, we do it for you out of love. We truly care for you and we want you happy. It hurts to watch you upset and we wish we could make it all go away. We really hope you know that. No matter how bad things get, it’s always going to be alright. Things seem bad now, your car might not start, your job sucks, and you might feel like life is just one huge dead end. But as a quote I like to say, in every situation there’s bad news and good news. Bad news, it won’t last forever. And the good news? It won’t last forever.

Wealth

Sometimes we look at the people around us and we wonder how it is that they get by better than ourselves. We do the right things, show up to work early, work with our hands until they bleed, and somehow the new guy steps right over you with no effort. 

That’s life.

We all encounter this. I frequently encountered this though out my working career. I would work day in and day out, and I would get overlooked. Some person would find an “easier” way around me. 

I knew people who used to get their way by working the system to their advantage, just setting up the dominos one by one each day and then wait for the perfect time to strike. And they’d win. Every time.

I didn’t understand it for a long time. 

And then one day I realized. I didn’t care.

I am a great person. And although we might have only a little sometimes, sometimes that little is a lot. 

I don’t have a lot of nice things. My house is guled together and my car isn’t the fanciest. I don’t make a lot of money and I don’t always have the best health habits. But I’m happy.

I wouldn’t trade my life with anyone.

I am rich, overflowing with wealth from my life experiences. I am surrounded by people who encourage me everyday to step out of my shell. I have friends who I can fight with and still love me the next day. And I have a nice warm cup of coffee each night to make me feel loved. I have a roof over my head, and wheels to get me places. I have friends who will always feed me in my times of need and I have a crazy passion to do the impossible.

Why would I want to trade all of that for wealth?

In the end, my life makes me the richest person in the world.

I might be OCD

I was driving home yesterday when I reached the red light. At the light, I looked around my car and thought, “There’s dust on my radio nobs, let me wipe that off”. This did not end here. Before I knew it, I saw the dust on my dashboard, door handle, everywhere imaginable. I just continued to swipe my hand through the dust to let it settle elsewhere in the car. Then, a voice, of the car next to me, rolling down their window to tell me, while laughing, might I add:

“Gurrrrrl, you are SO OCD”

I couldn’t help but smile at the guy’s comment, but the first thing that I thought was, “How did he know!?”
Honestly, I didn’t  think I was displaying some kind of abnormal behavior. It’s not like I sanitized my hands each time I wiped the dashboard or yodelled 3 times out the window before proceeding again to my steering wheel. 

Now, I’m not saying I’m not slightly OCD either. 

I’m merely amoosed (Did I mention I’m punny?) at the idea that my actions determined my mental well being. Thank you dude, you’ve given me self awareness. 

Warning: random side story bellow

This is originally where this post ended; however, I was trying to find a clever image to drive the point home (typing OCD Cleaning into the Google search box) when the following picture popped up:

  
This made me come back to this post. I realized I might just have a more intense form of OCD than I expected.

Let me take you back to March 7th, 2015.

While I was at my boyfriend’s house, I decided to make his bed. As I began to tidy up the room, I noticed his dusty tv and decided to see how long it would take for him to notice. It’s April 14th, and it’s still there. To his credit, he told me he knew. 

   
And here I was thinking I was “normal”.
P.S. This was one of those “useless” posts I told you about.